A woman standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, I feel horrible; I look old,fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
The husband replies,Your eyesights damn near perfect.
He never heard the shot...

Before you read on this joke might offend the ladies........
A couple were celebrating their 9th wedding anniversary one night, & decided to continue in the bedroom. But before they started, the wife said, honey what did you think when you first saw me naked? The man replied I wanted to shag your brains out & suck your breast dry.The wife then said what do you think now when you see me naked? He replied, it looks like I did a pretty good Job!!

One more I can't help myself, hope this doesn't offend......if there is anyone awake over there.....My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Good ones spiro!!

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"

Here in Georgia we heard the Alabama boys had bought up all the ammunition in the state and were going into Louisiana and buying ammo there.One of the Atlanta papers sent a reporter to Alabama to find out what was going on.He arrived in Alabama and stopped at the first bar he found went inside and asked the first guy he saw what was the deal with buying up all the ammo .The man replied....we heard Russia had taken over Georgia and we sure as hell aint gonna let that happen here....Coug

LOL ... now THATS funny

Spiro wrote:
Before you read on this joke might offend the ladies........The man replied I wanted to shag your brains out ...

Good thing he didn't say, "Apparently someone beat me to it."

A woman was looking in the mirror and told her husband that she thought her breasts were too small. Her husband said, "Why don't you take a little strip of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts everyday?" She said, "Do you that'll work?" He said, "I don't know, but it sure worked on your ass!"

/ducking and running for cover...

shacky wrote:
Sherlock Holmes and Doc Watson are camping under the stars.
In the middle of the night Sherlock elbows Watson and says "Watson, quick look up and tell me what you deduce!"

Watson looks up and says "why I see thousands, no millions, no billions of stars. And if only a few were to have atmospheres like earth then yes there could actually be life out there like our own!"

Sherlock say "no, no you idiot! Someone stole our tent!"

Excellent!