I can't take credit for that, I told the joke to my niece who works for a surgeon and that was the answer she gave me...

A thinking question...

A young lad is sitting in math class when the teacher asks him to answer the following;
Timmy, if there are five birds, sitting on a telephone wire and you shoot one of them how many will be left on the wire?
Timmy thinks for a minute and answers proudly... None!
Concerned, the teacher asked Timmy why he answered that way...
Timmy said logically... "Well, if you shoot one of the birds, the sound of the gun will make them all fly away..."
The teacher said, "Well, your answer is wrong, but I like the way you think... Please stay after class and we'll go over why your answer is incorrect..."
So, after class, Timmy asked the teacher why his answer, although logical, was wrong and why she said "I like the way you think?"
After she explained, Timmy said, "Alright, I have a question for you... will you answer it...?"
The teacher agreed... and Timmy began...
"Ok, there are three women outside of an ice cream store...
One is licking her ice cream cone, one is biting her ice cream cone and one is sucking her ice cream cone... Which one is married...?"
The teacher ponders the question for a moment and says with authority...
"It's the women who is sucking the ice cream cone..."
To which, Timmy replies... Nope it's the one with the wedding ring... But, I like the way you think!"

Older People
>
>
> I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
>
> We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
>
> I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
>
> The kid had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
> orange, and blue.
>
> My dad kept staring at him.
>
> The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
>
> When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's
the
> matter old man, never done anything wild....in your life?'
>
> Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
> choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
>
> And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
>
> "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock........I was just
> wondering if you were my son."

THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
Friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
Male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
Over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,
But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his
Arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's Fanny,
Pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

Hi everyone,I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me. By following the simple advise I heard on a medical TV show,I finally found inner peace.A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the thingsyou have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished,and,before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot,a bottle of shhardonay,a bodle of Baileys,a butle of vocka,a pockage of prunglies,tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scripshins,the resof the chesecke an a box a choclits. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned inr pis xx

Hey bro....your'e not from New Zealand are you?

YOU DON'T NEED A HARLEY TO PICK UP CHICKS

On the farm lived a chicken an a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken s pied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.