So a group of bikers is getting wasted at the bar when they go out side they notice a cop waiting for them to leave, they quickly re-enterd the bar.
About five mins latter one of the bikers comes stumballing out of the bar, tripping and falling all over the place, he sits on his bike and attemps to put his key in the ignition. After the fith try he gets the key in and the bike started. then begins to leave. no further then a block away the cops pull him over and begin a sobriety test. well about five minutes later the cops give the breathalizer test...
(cop) YOUR NOT DRUNK?????
(not drunk biker)Im the designated decoy

always have a DD

In Tennessee what do these three things have in common?

1. A jacked-knived trailer.
2. A tornado.
3. A divorce.
.
.
.
.
.
Someone is going to lose a trailer!!

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK......."

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Touri sm Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks?
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ?
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ?
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ?
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ; Ca-na-da is that big country to your North....oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ?
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ?
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ?
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ?
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Sadly I was serious when i asked most of those questions.

javawave wrote:
Sadly I was serious when i asked most of those questions.

......... and so are my responses.

Doc

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict; look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Frank_W wrote:


A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict; look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

The Man Rules
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered
ON PURPOSE!
1.Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be..

1. Crying is blackmail..

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
So don't ask us...

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we mean the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself..

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials not when there are 3 seconds left and the ball is on the 1 yard line for our favorite team....well any team same thing.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing is wrong..
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really, go naked its okay with us.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as baseball or overhauling an engine.

1 You have enough clothes.

1.. You have too many shoes

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.


Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...and closer to the beer in the fridge.

Two One liners for your enjoyment.

What is smaller then a teenie weenie flea?

A fleas teenie weenie!!



Do you know what a Boo Be is?

A little bug that flys up behind a Bee and says , BOO BEE!!