I thought I ran into this lady the other day.

http://s256.photobucket.com/albums/hh194/stanag/?action=view&current=antena1w.flv


Stan

A duded-up rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis,SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded,staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it,the newby rider bravely asks the old biker,If you ain't gonna eat that mind if I do?
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, Nah you go ahead.
Eagerly the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The site was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too.

First Time Sex


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday

night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces

to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like

to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to

get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his

first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an

hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks

the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or

family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather=2 0busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so

excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner

table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy

quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in

prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still

no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes

with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea

your father was a pharmacist."











--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Cooter Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Cooter Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Cooter Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood, " the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten ' Hail Mary 's "

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks,"Is that Cooter Green?"

The altar boy replies,"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw 'im. Give 'im a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Ole and Darla were out shopping one day.

Ole sees that beer is on sale for ten bucks a case so he grabs one and puts it in the cart.

Darla catches this and says, "Ole you just put that back. We can't afford it right now."

So back goes the beer and Ole is bummin.

A while later they are in the cosmetics aisle and Darla puts a twenty dollar jar of face cream in the cart.

Ole sees this and asks, "So what do you need that stuff for?"

"It's to make me beautiful", Darla replies.

Ole who is still a bit sore says, "Well so do 24 beers and it was only half the price."

Poor Ole still didn't get his beer and had to sleep in the garage.

6 Truths of Life



1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with
your tongue.


2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will
try it.


3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.


4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.


5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.


6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.


I apologize about this I'm an idiot and I needed company ....

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1.. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23.. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46 love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

When O.J. dies .

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my
list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take
their place. I'll even let YOU decid e who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and

surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and
surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I' m not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this
is
no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door.

Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over
his
head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, doing what she d oes best. OJ looked at this in shocked

disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . .. . . (This is priceless)



'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'

22 Things to do in an Elevator


1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8)SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it