Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
KENTUCKY GENTLEMAN are all working together one day.


They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes
in total', says the Genie.


The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '


POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.


Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'


POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.


The Kentuckian says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'


The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'


The Kentuckian sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,


'Fill it with water.'

A drunk is walking down the street late at night on his way home from the local watering hole. As he is walking along he is kicking cans and bottles he comes across when he kicks a tequila bottle and a genie appears from the bottle. The genie says to th drunk, "You have freed me so I am at your service, I will grant you one wish and one wish only". The drunk say " I want to be abl to drink the best tequila in the world anytime I want to" and the genie grants his wish. The genie tells the drunk to piss in a glass, that it is the best tequila he will ever have, so he does. He smells the liquid in the glass and it smells like tequila, he sips it and it is the best he has ever tasted.

He runs home and tells his wife to grab two glasses from the cupboard because they are going to drink till the sun comes up. The wife gets the glasses and ask where the bottle is, the husband pulls out his pecker and pisses in the glasses. The wife is grossed out but after a little coaxing she taste whats in the glass and agrees its the best tequila she has ever had so they drink until the wee hours of the morning.

The next evening he comes home and tells his wife to get glasses down and they again drink until the wee hours of the morning. The following evening he comes home and tells his wife they are gonna get drunk again, she starts to head for the cupboard to get the glasses again and the husband says "WAIT! Tonight you are drinking straight from the bottle!!"

What does and blond and a longneck beer bottle have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They are both empty from the neck up!!!

paramedicp wrote:
How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1.. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23.. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46 love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

And beer!

New Orleans Crabs...


A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for
the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to
rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans
please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some men think.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Two blondes are given an assignment at school to measure the height of a flag pole but are not to use a ladder. They are dumbfounded until some one suggests they take the flag pole down and measure it while it is down. "Don't be silly" the blondes say " we need to know how tall it is, not how long"

The Biker and the Lion
=====================

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning
into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to
pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker
jumps Off his bike, runs to the cage an d hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings
her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter
says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in mywhole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars.I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times,
and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what
do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it
indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND
STEALS HIS LUNCH

A blonde was sitting in the train station reading the paper. The headline read, 12 Brazilian soldiers killed in shoot out.

She turned to the man next to her and asked, "How many is a brazilian?"

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.
So every time you fart, you time it with the music.
When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus
Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ............
You're listening to your IPod!