Life as a child...

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. I'll put it this way- a set of post hole diggers and a 3 ft.. hole and you had yourself a well.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner...lets face it to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself ether, really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... 1 lb pyrodex and 16 oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh Shit.

When the shock wave hit, it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That son-of-a_____ got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:

ECHO BRAVO YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea.

I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

Author Unknown

hahahahaha! thanks, Kai

LMFAO! That's going to get forwarded to some redneck buddies. Maybe one is the author(?). Thanks Kai.

GP

Here's one to make you think. Wonder if it's true?

DWI - TEXAS STYLE

Only a person in Texas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station." This breathalyzer equipment must be broken..'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
Only in Texas !

Good one Kai!

when I was a kid we used to have BB gun warfare until I got the bright idea one day of rolling M-80s around in glue then covering them with BB's we started lobbing them at each other, Luckliy we were all wearing extra clothing to reduce the sting of the BBs and motorcyle helmets with face shields during our little fire fights, bottom line is we all ended up with welts all over us, we never did that stunt again.

No bullshit, we still laugh about those days and our own stupidity, I dont know how we survived our youth back then.

Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent..



God Bless the enlisted man.

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class
was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to
their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft
surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember, you're in
this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?", answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

Cannibals were employed by Marines ...


Five cannibals were employed by Marines as scouts and translators during
one of the island campaigns during World War II. When
the Commanding Officer of ground forces welcomed the cannibals he said,
"You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you
well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the
Marines are eating. But please don't indulge yourselves by eating a
Marine."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the C. O. returned and said, "You're all working very
hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our
Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shook their heads 'no'. After the C.O. left, the leader
of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate
the Sergeant?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied,
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Lieutenants,
Captains, and Majors and no one noticed anything,..... then YOU had to go
and eat an NCO!"

I met a beautiful woman in the park the other nite. There was an instant spark between us & she fell at my feet.As we laid there making love I thought, "these tasers are well worth the money

ironman wrote:
I met a beautiful woman in the park the other nite. There was an instant spark between us & she fell at my feet.As we laid there making love I thought, "these tasers are well worth the money

Had to email that to some friends! Thanks Tom!