I'll add one, but don't blame me, my bro-inlaw sent it. lol



A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well!
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little "incident". she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers,

"Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!"

Good one!!!

i dang near did after readin it

A cowboy is riding home one day and spots a rattle snake in the path. He pulls out his gun, but the snake says, "Woooooaaaahhhhh, you don't want to shoot me. I'm a magic snake, and if you let me live I'll grant you 3 wishes."
The cowboy thinks a minute and figures what the heck.

"Here's my wishes:
1. I want a million dollars
2. When I get home I want Marilyn Monroe in my bed....naked and wanting just me
3. I want to be hung like my horse here."

The snake says, "No problem.....it's done."

The cowboy rides on home, opens the door and there is a million dollars laying on the table. He hears a voice from the bedroom, "Honey, it's me, Marilyn, and I'm READY for you."
He can't believe his luck.....the snake really was magic. He remembers his third wish and quickly rips his pants down.
Looking down he says, " Ohhhhh nooooooo....I was riding Maude instead of Claud."

Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. Edna then took Ralph back to their room.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry... How soon can I go home?'

I liked that one

This dude asked his wife why she wore a bra because she hadn't nothing to put it on....She said, " you wear underwear don't you"?

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to eat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No", the woman replies. "I'm with the IRS."