A sandwich walks into a bar and pulls up a stool. The bartender looks up from the end of the bar and says, "Hit the road. We don't serve food here".

A giant grasshopper walks into a bar and tells the bartender that it is his birthday and he wants to celebrate with a special drink. After picking his jaw up off the floor, the bartender suggests a drink that is made out of ice cream and is named after him. The grasshopper says, "Sounds great. Never had a drink named Steve before."

A drunk stumbles into a bar and yells out, "Anyone here own a six-foot tall penguin?". No one answers. The drunk looks down at his shoes and says, "Shit! I think I just hit a nun."

A doctor walks into the examination room to see a stunningly beautiful woman sitting on the table. He tells her to go behind the screen and remove all of her clothes. She goes behind the screen and starts to remove her clothes, stopping to ask, "Where should I put all of my clothes?" To which the doctor replied, "Just throw them in the corner next to mine."

A salesman from New York wants to escape the rat race, so he sells off all of his belongings and buys a small ranch in the most rural part of Wyoming that he could find. One day while working on the roof of his new house, he sees a dust trail coming up the drive. He climbs down the ladder and meets a cowboy in a dirty 'ol truck. The cowboy introduces himself and invites the New Yorker to a welcoming party in his honor. The cowboy goes on to explain, "When we have a party in these parts, there is usually a lot of drinkin' some eatin', some kissin', some fightin' and some f*ckin'."

The New Yorker says, "Sounds like a good time. What should I wear?"

The cowboy responds, "Don't matter none. It's just gonna' be you and me."

An old Scotsman is on his deathbed with his wife by his side. He whispers to her, "Mary, before I go, I need to know one thing."

She responds, "Anything, my love."

He whispers, "The hair on our two oldest sons is red. On our youngest it is black. Is he my son?"

She clasps his hand and says, "You can leave this earth knowing that he is a product of your seed."

He gasps, "Thank you Mary, Thank you" and dies.

Mary breathes a sigh of relief and exlcaims, "Thank the Lord that he did not ask about the two oldest sons."

A 65 year old man enters a classy bar and before going into the main room, looks at himself in the mirror. His two tone shoes are polished to a mirror finish, his tie is tied and straightened to perfection and his pin strip Gucci suite is perfectly pressed. he runs a silver come trough his salt and pepper hair and then enters. right away he sees this beautiful blond at the bar. she is around his age and the seat next to her is empty. he sits down and asks the lady if he can buy her a drink. that would be lovely she replied. they both sipped on their 12 year old scotch when he turns to her and asks "do i come here often?

An 85 year old man is taking his usual evening walk when he here a voice calling out to him. he looks around and nobody is there. he hears it again and looks down to see a frog. The frog explains to him that she is a 29 year old princess fro Norway and if he would kiss her, she would return to her beautiful self and give him the night of his life. he picks up the frog and put it in his shirt pocket and continues on his walk. then again the frog says "i am a29 year old princess from Norway and if he kisses her she would return to her normal self and she would give him the night of his life".

He looks down at the frog and say "honey, at my age, i would rather have a talking frog."!!!!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."

The Patient Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin."