Big Dawg wrote:
The first blonde joke I ever heard:

How do you know when blonde has been using your computer?

There's white out all over your monitor.

(rimshot)





BDHer Boss told her to send copies,but then she broke the copier when she laid her monitor screen side down on the glass.

BUTTERCUP GOLFER

Towards the end of the golf course, a golfer hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.? Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF!!? In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature!? Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups?? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!......she was gone!

After the golfer recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

the golfer shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!"

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

What it takes to add 2 + 2




An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.

After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

What's the difference between Women and a Raging Bull.......?



answer: LIPSTICK.......



Samson

Samson wrote:
What's the difference between Women and a Raging Bull.......?



answer: LIPSTICK.......



Samson


Man, you must know my ex....

Once my ex wife was giving me hell for lip stick on my collar, till she found the same on my skivvies. For some strange reason she quit talking altogether. I simply pointed out to her it was her lip stick, and those weren't my shirt and skivvies!

Mad Cow Disease...



A young female reporter from New York gets her first job in a small Wisconsin farming town. Her editor assigns her to do an article on Mad Cow disease and sends her out to the local dairy farm.

Not knowing much at all about farming or cows she decides to get as much information from the farmer as she can.

"What do you think causes mad cow disease?" She asks the farmer.

"You do know that this a dairy farm right?" asks the farmer.

"Yes I do" says the young reporter.

"Then you must know that we milk all of our cows twice a day". says the farmer.

A liitle embarassed the young reporter admits she doesn't know much about cows or dairy farming.

"Well" says the farmer "Then I don't suppose you know that we'll let the cows only breed once a year then".

Even a little more embarrased but trying to keep her composure she says "Sir, thank you for the information but what does this have to do with Mad Cow Disease?"

"Well missy, let me ask you this" says the farmer. "If I played with your boobs twice a day but only gave you sex once a year wouldn't you be mad too?"

I coulda told ya....saw it right off !!.....lmao



Glock40 wrote:
Here's a good one for you english blokes...

Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'.
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.



God Save the Queen!

^