Ha, those are some pretty great jokes guys... good laugh after a long day at work

So, a pirate walks into a bar with a helm sticking out of his pants (ie the steering wheel for a ship). He gets up to the bar and orders a drink, and the bartender manages to keep his curiosity to himself. However, as time passes and the bartender racks his brain, curiosity gets the best of him and he blurts out, "So what's with the helm sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate looks at him and responds, "Arrr, I don't be knowin', but it be drivin' me nuts!"


Or my all time favourite that so few people actually think is funny...

So a baby seal walks into a club...



Dan

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are chatting in a bar when the bartender comes up to check on them. Before leaving, he asks them if they've had a chance to check out the magic mirror in the ladies room.

'What?!', they ask.

'Oh, yeah! Back in the corner, there's a magic mirror and if you tell it the truth, it will reward you. But, be careful! If you lie to it, '~phiffft~', you're sucked into oblivion. Never seen or heard from again.

'Yeah, right' say the ladies when he leaves and they continue chatting.

A little while later, the redhead excuses herself and goes to tinkle. Before leaving, she sees the mirror in the corner and thinks 'Oh, why not?' and walks up to the mirror.

'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in this bar.' she says and '~poof~', in her hand appears a key to a Porche. She can't believe it! She goes outside and finds a brand new Porche with her name on it, so, she calls her friends over and shows it to them too. They can't believe it either, but, finally, the brunette agrees it's worth checking out.

She walks up to the mirror and says; 'I think that I'm the most intelligent woman in this bar.' and '~poof~', in her hand appears a certificate of deposit to a Swiss bank account for $100,000.00. She's astounded. She goes out and shows her friends what her reward was and they are astounded also.

Well, of course, the blonde wants in on this show too. So, she runs from them to the ladies room.

She walks up to the mirror and says; 'I think'. '~phiffft~'.

Why did the blonde take sandpaper into the desert?

She thought it was a map.

A doctor friend tells me there are four stages to old age.


Stage one, you start to forget little things, like the names of people you know.



Stage two, you start to forget their faces.



Stage three, you start to forget all kinds of little things, like zipping up your zipper after you pee.



Stage four, you forget all the rest of the little things, like zipping down you zipper.

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the
boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things
than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is .'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer
he talks, the dumber he gets

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square..'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and a gain until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet..

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

I've heard that one, its a classic!

Two women were playing golf when one teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I may be able to help relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him."Oh, no, I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away, laid them to the side, loosened his pants and placed her hands inside on his groin. She administered a tender massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels pretty good, but my thumb still hurts."

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him ‘Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved’ and he yelled back ‘Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.’

So I said ‘Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!’ He retaliated by yelling, ‘Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!’”

“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”

The Pants

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down
for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in
our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,
and said, 'Here - try these on.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I
replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen,
'Here - try these on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit
me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always
will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said,
'Here- you try on mine.'
He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass
attitude, you never will.'

Philosophy to remember... 'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or
peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos what you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow!