How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, and the whole world to revolve around her.

An Old Sailor Joke.

James, an old retired sailor, finds and puts on his old uniform and
heads for the docks once more, just for old times' sake.

Once there, he engages a local prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but
needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing??

The prostitute replies, 'Well James, you old sailor, you're doing
about three knots.'

Three knots?' he asks. 'What's the hell that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting
your money back.

This guy screeches into his driveway, jumps out of his car all excited. running up to the house he's yelling loudly, "honey! honey! pack your bags, baby...i've WON the LOTTO!!".

"oh my God!" she screams, "what should i pack, summer clothes or winter clothes?"

"doesn't matter", he says, "just get out"

kayakguy wrote:
Two women were playing golf when one teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I may be able to help relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him."Oh, no, I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away, laid them to the side, loosened his pants and placed her hands inside on his groin. She administered a tender massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels pretty good, but my thumb still hurts."

A blond haired woman wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on
the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she
made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from up above, a voice boomed,

'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from above the
voice bellowed,

'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

'IS THAT YOU LORD?'


The voice replied,

'NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK'

what did the fish say after swiming into a wall? DAMN

Scientist at NASA built a gun to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,military jets and the Shuttle spacecrafts all traveling at maximum velocity.The idea was to simulate the frequent collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
Engineers from (enter your favorite country to kick)heard about the new gun and were eager to test the windshields of their new high speed trains.Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to them.When the gun was fired the engineers stood in shock as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel ,crashed into their shaterproof windshield and shattered it to smithereens and blasted through the control console, snapped the Engineers backrest in half and embedded itself in the cabin wall like an arrowshot from a bow.
The horrified engineers sent NASA the disaterouse results of the test along with the spec desighns of their windshields begging NASA for suggestions on how to fix their problem.NASA responded with the following memo........Next time THAW the chicken!!!!!!!!!!

Canada acutally developed the Chicken Cannon. On Friday on TV (Royal Canadian Air Farce), you can see it in action on your favorite political figure. In addition to chickens they use a variety of 'charges'.

Doc

DocShadow wrote:
Canada acutally developed the Chicken Cannon. On Friday on TV (Royal Canadian Air Farce), you can see it in action on your favorite political figure. In addition to chickens they use a variety of 'charges'.

Doc

The first time I read it they said it was a true story perhaps it was Canada as the inventor and NASA should be inserted in the country to be named slot wouldnt shock me and if it was NASA I am sure its clasified info now ...Coug