haha, that's great Doc..haha

Short groaner:

A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Strangest thing, doc, sometimes I feel like a tepee and sometimes I feel like a wigwam."

"Well, it's obvious what the problem is," says the psychiatrist, "your two tents."

Couple from Mississippi, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them, "What finally made you make the decision? Why, after nine children, are you choosing to do this?"

The husband replied, "We read in a recent article that one out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican, and we didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby... because neither of us can speak Spanish."

A man walks into a pshchiatrist's office wearing nothing but cellophane, wrapped around his whole body, lies down on the couch for his session, and says to the Dr, "Doc, I just don't know what's wrong with me?"

Without missing a beat, the psychiatrist replies, "I can clearly see your nuts."

I apologize for all caps but I pasted from an email and I am too lazy to retype...

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.

THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD,LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK,.SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERWEAR AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOUHAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU"."WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE. WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWOFINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!!!

big lar now thats funny i dont care whom you are!

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke
HOPE IT DOESN'T OFFEND ANYONE!!!!!!


Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, What a beautiful baby.
The mother said, Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?
Yes, the mother replied, we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.
That's great, said Little Johnnie,cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses.

A guy walks up to the bus stop, and waits in line to board the bus. As the woman in front of him tries to get on, she's not able to lift her leg high enough to reach the step, due to the tightness of her skirt.

She thinks to herself, "I'll just unzip it a little and that will give me more room." So she reachs back, unzips, and tries to step onto the bus again. Unfortunately, it didn't work. So, she reaches back, unzips some more, and tries it again, but still with no luck.

Finally, after the third time of this, the guy grabs her by the waist and lifts her onto the bus. Startled by the boldness of his move, she turns around and exclaims, "Sir! How dare you! We don't even know each other and you take the liberty to grab me and lift me up here!"

The guy calmly replies, "Lady, I thought we knew each other pretty well. After all, you unzipped my pants 3 times."

Guy from Tennessee goes to the clinic and ask to see the doctor. "Doc, me and the ole lady have 14 kids and we don't want no more but she won't get fixed. Can you fix me where I don't give'er no more younguns?" The doctor says that he can do a vasectomy but it will cost $3500. "Well doc, is there anyway to get it done cheaper?" The doctor thinks a moment about who he is dealing with and says, "Yes, there is a cheaper way and you can do it at home. Simply get a Budweiser can, light a cherry bomb and drop it in the can and count to ten." Clem thanks the doctor and leaves for home. Clem luckily has what he needs in the pickup so as soon as he pulls into the driveway he lights the fuse and drops it in the can. "One, two, three, four, five..." Then he has to change hands to finish counting so he puts the can between his legs....

LMAO

Whitetail wrote:
The absolute best Little Johnnie joke
HOPE IT DOESN'T OFFEND ANYONE!!!!!!


Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, What a beautiful baby.
The mother said, Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?
Yes, the mother replied, we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.
That's great, said Little Johnnie,cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses.