A guy is sitting on his front porch sipping a beverage and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A nosey neighbor lady walks past, sees this and says to the man, "You should be hung for making your wife do that!"

To which the guy replies, "I am. That's why she offered to mow the lawn."

The difference between motorcycles and women.

• Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.
• You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
• You can choke your motorcycle.
• Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
• Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.
• Motorcycles don't snore.
• Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
• Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
• You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.
• If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
• If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
• If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
• If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
• If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
• If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
• If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
• If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
• It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
• Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
• Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
• Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
• Motorcycles don't have parents.
• Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
• Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
• Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
• Motorcycles last longer.
• Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
• Motorcycles' curves never sag.
• New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
• When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
• You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
• You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
• You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
• You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
• You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
• You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that • Motorcycles are equals.
• You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
• You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.
• Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
• Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
• Your Motorcycle doesn't care what you're wearing when you take it out.
• Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike MORE enjoyable.
• The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those painful Penicillin shots.
• One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.
• Disassembling the motorcycle is done out of pleasure rather than need.
• Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
• Unlike women FAT motorcycles aren't cheap dates.

A guy is sitting at a bar having a beer and talking to a beautiful girl sitting next to him. He asks her name and she replies that her name is Carmen. He says that's a pretty name and asks her if her father named her that or was it her mother who came up with it. She replies that she named herself Carmen because she likes Cars and Men. She asks him his name and he replies...

Beer

Okay, this is a visual joke, so I'll have to explain the physical part at the end. It will be a lot funnier when you tell it.

An old pirate with an eye patch, hook for his hand, and a peg leg walks into a bar.
A young guy walks up and says, "Hey, old timer. Can I ask you something?"
Pirate says, "Aye, if ya buy me a pint."
The young guy does and says, "You know, I always wished I could live a pirate life. Is it as great as I've always believed?"
"Aye!" says the pirate, " I've raided me whole life from one ond of the Spanish Main to the other. I've been richer than a king, poorer than a churchmouse, and I've lived totally free as the wind. But 'tis a hard life too, sonny. Just look at me tattered self!"
Young guy, emboldened by this, asks, "Well, if you don't mind me asking, what happened to your leg?"
Pirate says, "Arr, a shot from an Spanish galleon blew it clean off."
"Geez, that's terrible!"
"Aye, like I said, sonny, 'tis a good life- but a hard one."
"Well, if you don't mind my asking, what happened to your hand?"
"Arr, a bloody Spanish sailor cut it clean of with his cutlass."
Good lord, that's terrible! Must of hurt something terrible!"
"Aye, that it surely did, lad. Like I've been tellin' ya, it can be a hard life."
"Well, what happened to your eye? I'll bet it was another darn Spanish sailer!"
"No, sonny, it was a damn seagull. Pooped right in my eye."
Good gosh, a bird crapped in your eye and took it out??"
"Not exactly, sonny. First day with the hook, ya see?"

(At this point take your hand, stick out your middle finger bent like a hook, look up, curse, and stick the finger in your eye.)

Red skelton's recipe for the perfect marriage....

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .

3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

1 2. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it........these were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words, 'God Bless.'

Flash, I loved them!!

I had a really bad dream last night. I dreamt that I was a muffler under a truck...and woke up exhausted

Stocked wrote:
A guy is sitting at a bar having a beer and talking to a beautiful girl sitting next to him. He asks her name and she replies that her name is Carmen. He says that's a pretty name and asks her if her father named her that or was it her mother who came up with it. She replies that she named herself Carmen because she likes Cars and Men. She asks him his name and he replies...

Beer

I got censored?

That's even funnier than the joke. The real punchline is Beer F@#$

Stocked wrote:
I got censored?

That's even funnier than the joke. The real punchline is Beer F@#$

We don't allow profanity here. There are members who share the Clinic with their young children. It's nice that they don't have to worry about what they might run across. And nothing is lost by not using it.

do you know the difference between a harley and a hoover on the hoover the dirt bags on the inside used to get that one all the time w my harley

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar... The bar tender approaches them and says... You guys better not start anything in here!



A priest, a nun and a rabbi walk into a bar... the bar tender sees them and says... What is this... some kind of a joke?!?



Three strings walk into a bar... They sit down and the waitress walks up, only to announce that this bar dosesn't serve drinks to strings...
Two of the strings became very offended... but the third string calms them down quickly and explains to his friends that he'll get them some drinks...
So, the string stands up, ties himself into a nice bow, makes tassles out of his loose ends, walks up to the bar and orders beer for himself and his friends...
In a very annoyed voice, the bar tender leans over and in a threatening tone says, "Look pal... It's just like the waitress said to your skinny friends over there... we don't serve drinks to strings and you're a string"!
The string calmly replies to the bar tender... "Nope! I'm a fraid knot!"