An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

Dear Husband:


I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been chaotic. Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week,
you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails
done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep afterwatching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.


P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Your EX-Wife.


Dear Ex-Wife,


Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was, "Wow, you look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote will see to it that you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.


Signed,

Rich and Free!

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, flops down on the couch in front of the TV, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks mad, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."

The man sighs and says, "Well, it's started.

A kindergarten teacher was telling the story of Chicken Little. She asked the class, "When Chicken Little ran to tell the farmer that the sky was falling, what do you think the farmer said?"

Some bright little girl yelled, "He said, 'Holy sh-!! A TALKING CHICKEN!?'"

It was quite a few minutes before the teacher could continue...

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got
to choose what those two points would be.



The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the
tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.



The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip

of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.



The third one was a non commissioned officer, a grizzly old chief who, when asked where he

would like to be measured replied,

''From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.''

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about

the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old chief insisted, and they

decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.....

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to

work back.

'Dear Lord!'' he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied,

''Vietnam.'

What is smaller then a teenie weenie flea?

A fleas teenie weenie!!!

What is the last thing to go through a fleas mind after he hits your helmet at 70 mph?

His butt!!

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

She replied "Not yet,dear."

NEWS FLASH - NZ Earthquake
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.

Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.
The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.
France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.
Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.
Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.
Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.
Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......

You've got to understand the Kiwi accent to really appreciate this one.
-------------------------------------------------------

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls Kevin, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........


MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

Thanks for your interest guys. Nothin serious, I was expecting a small windfall from Uncle Sam in the way of some additional retirement funds and it turns out it wasn't nearly the amount I expected. I was hoping to take a vacation and buy some goodies for the Roadie, but I guess it's not to be. Then we were going to film a TV show for the little non-profit TV station we run and I forgot to pack the camera and had to drive forty miles back to get it while my wife kept everybody entertained until I got back. Later that evening we were double booked to go to a meeting and meet some friends and that turned out to be very boring on both fronts. So that's the story, I came here for a little boost and there was Emu's joke and it put a grin on my face and made the difficult day a little more tolerable.

As for the Rat Rod in my sig pic, it just happened to be there when I went to take a pic of my bike so I shot the pic in front of the Rat Rod. It belongs to a nice old guy who lives here in town.