Ok, since it's football season, here goes.



A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!


Sorry, but I just had to.

Sounds like Jessica Simpson explaining her Tony Romo infatuation...... BB

COWS AND POLITICS EXPLAINED


A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

While walking down the street one day a Senator is hit by a truck and tragically, dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
   
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
   
"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
   
The devil looks at him, smiles and says....... "Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today you voted."

An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.



The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.



'He's a funeral director,' she answered.



'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.



She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.


The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse careers.



She smiled and explained 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go'

A middle aged man dies and finds himself sitting on a bench while waiting to be processed... into hell...
He's very despondent because he really doesn't understand what he had done to wind up here instead of in heaven...
So, along comes a veteran hellion, he sees the depressed man and asks "Hey, buddy... what's with the long face...? Why so glum?"
The man explains that he tried to be a good person and only strayed from the straight and narrow a few times but he didn't think he's wind up here... and now he's depressed because of it...
Well, hearing this the vet says "Oh, come on... Hell's not so bad... you might even like it here..."
But, the man disagrees...
But, our happy go lucky veteran continues... "Say, listen... do you like smoking...?" He asks...
"well yeah, pretty much..." says the man...
And, the vet says... "Well, pal... you’re going to love Mondays... 'cause Mondays are smoking night... You can smoke cigars, pipes, cigarettes... heck, anything you can think of and you don't have to worry about getting cancer and dying cause you're already dead...
This get the mans attention and he starts to listen more closely now...
The vet continues... "Do you like drinking?"
The man replies, "I've had a few too may cocktails a time or to... But, I'm no lush..." he exclaims...
The vet laughs and says... "Hey, not to worry my friend... your secret's safe with me... But, on Tuesday, down here, it's Drinking Night...! Yep, all you ever thought about drinking and more than you ever thought you could hold too...! Oh, and anything you want as well... Whiskey, Scotch Bourbon, Vodka, Rum and Gin...!!! You're going to love Tuesdays..."
By this time the man is thinking that maybe this isn't all that bad... and starts to put a smile on his face... and he actually asked about Wednesdays...
So, our vet tells him... "Oh Wednesdays are great... Do you like to gamble?" He says the man...
"Only a little..." Said the man. "I mean, I only lost the family savings once or twice on a sure thing, mind you..."
Again, our vet reassures the man... "Say no more pally boy... You are going to flip over Wednesdays!!! You can bet and loose like you never imagined before...! And, come Thursday... you're debt free!!! Ain't that something?"
By now the Man is getting pretty enthused about being "Down there..." and says to the vet "go on... go on!"
So the vet says, "Do you like drugs...?" And, the man answers... "Well, I'm no connoisseur, but I've taken a few pills and powder here and there..."
The vet says, "Well you're going to love Thursdays... 'cause Thursdays are Drug night...! You name it Heroin, Coke, uppers, downers LSD... It's all there... And you don't have to worry about dying from an over dose cause you already dead and there's no consequences...!!!
Well, by this time the man is gotten pretty cheery about his assignment in hell and is actually starting to look forward to being in Hell... and asks... What's in store on Fridays???
So, the vet says... "Do you ever think about being gay...?" Hearing this, the man rocks back in his seat and lets out a huge gasp and says "JEEZE NO!!!"
To which the vet says... "Oh, to bad... you're going to hate Fridays...!"

Starcruiser06:

There was a city boy who decided he was going to leave the rat race behind. He bought a parcel of land in the mountains and built a house. Months go by without seeing another living soul, until one day when he's out in the pasture, his nearest neighbor, a grizzled oldfella' stops by:

"Hey there, neighbor!! I just thought I'd stop in and invite you a party I'm havin', Friday night!"

The city boy says, "Great! I'll be there!"

The oldfella' continues, "I guess I oughta' tell you that there's gonna' be a lot of hard drinkin' going on."

City boy says, "That's okay."

Oldfella' says, "And there's gonna' be a lotta' fightin', too!"

The city boy says, "That's alright. I'll just keep out of any brawls..."

The oldfella' says, "And there's gonna' be lotsa' SEX, too!"

The city boy says, "Well... I'm not really a prude. That's okay. Should I bring anything with me?"

Oldfella' says, "Aw, it don't matter. It's just gonna' be the two of us."

Why are you crying?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut off my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied, "I'm here for a urine test."

A guy walks into a bar, steps up to the counter and orders 5 shots of whiskey. He immediately downs one right after the other. The bartender curiously says to the man "hey, whats with all the shots?" The man replies, "my first blow job!" The bartender says "well hell, then let me buy you another!"

The man replies "no thanks...If 5 didn't kill the taste..."

Fella' walks into a bar, pulls a tiny piano out of his pocket, and then a tiny man dressed in a tux and tails. The tiny man walks over to the piano and begins playing flawless Liszt, Mozart, Chopin, and Beethoven.

The bartender says, "Holy cow!! That's amazing!! Where'd you get that?"
The fella' says, "A genie!" And with that, he pulls a tarnished looking lantern out of his other pocket and hands it to the bartender.

The barkeep says, "I can make a wish too?" The fella' says, "Go for it..."

The barkeep rubs the lamp and this decrepit old genie drifts out of the lantern. The barkeep makes his wish and the genie slowly, painfully climbs back into the lantern.

After a few minutes, a duck enters the bar. And then another. Then two more. More and more... Pretty soon, the bar is FULL of ducks! The bartender yells, "Hey, buddy!! I think your genie's hard of hearing!! I asked for a million BUCKS!!"

The fella' says, "Yeah.... Tell me about it. Did you think I really asked for a 12" pianist?"