A mother and her two young boys (8 and 10) go into a diner. After a few moments, the waitress comes over to the table and says to the 10 year old...

"What will you have sweetie?"

The 10 year old..."I'll have a GOD DAMN cheeseburger!"

The mother immediately reaches over and slaps the boy in the face! The waitress not wanting to make things worse, ignores the situation and moves on to the 8 year old...

"What will you have sweetie?"

The 8 year old..."you bet your ASS I ain't gonna order no GOD DAMN cheeseburger!"

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind,

and today, I get a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo . . . just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows

would pay for themselves!

"Helllooooo? It's been a year!" I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
I bet he felt like an idiot.

Guts vs Balls...Guts or Balls?

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS FOOD
___ __

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Boston .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of
us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food
is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term
harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing
that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

'Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand and softly said, '...Wedding Cake.'



(I also heard it diminishes a woman's sex drive by 98%.)

GUYS , Please watch the foul language. We really don't want to edit you , but if you can't do it yourself , we will do it for you. Thanks, BB

2008's First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that smbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

No more TV for us old people
http://www.hulu.com/watch/36608/talkshow-with-spike-feresten-cable-psa Sorry didn't realize this was first Christmas Jokes. But is is shortly after Christmas and it is funny.

AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS

'If you don't read the newspaper
you are uninformed, if you do
read the newspaper you are
misinformed.'
Mark Twain




Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress....
But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain



I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a
man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-W inston Churchill



A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support
of Paul.
-.George Bernard Shaw



Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)



Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey,
Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University



Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys
to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian


Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, Economist (1801-1850)


Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

; &n bsp;
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers


If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free!
-P.J. O'Rourke


In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money
as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)


Just because you do not take an interest in politics
doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)



No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
-Mark Twain (1866)


Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown


The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at
one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan



The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain


There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save
Congress.
-Mark Twain



What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-E dward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)



A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough
to take everything you have.

-Thomas Jefferson

Another mystery from Mother Nature!




Do you know why,
When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?






It's Because she smells like a new truck.

So I was talking to this old lady the other day and she asked me if I was married.
No I replied I was married twice but both wives died.
How did that happen she asked.
Well the first one died from eating poisonous mushrooms
and the second died from a concussion.
A concussion? she asked.
Ya she wouldn't eat the mushrooms.