Guy's cruising down the interstate on his R* pulls off on an exit ramp and up to the red light. A hobo is standing there with a cardboard sign. Hobo asks the guy "can't you give some $$$". Guy says "man you're gonna spend it on beer or alcohol"; no way hobo replies thats what got me here. Guy says "then you're just gonna buy lotto tickets"; no way hobo replies thats what got me here too. Guy says " then you're just gonna go buy a piece of a$$" no hobo replies quit doing that too. Guy thinks for a second and says " alright hop on the back of my bike". Hobo asks "you gonna take me home and have your old lady cook us a hot meal?" Guy says "no way, I'm gonna take you home to show my old lady what happens to a man when he quits drinking,gambling, and chasing pu$$y!".

Blonde gets even!!!

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting
for the flat tires, headlights and running boards,
you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....


A woman was invited for a night out with the 'girls.' She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m. and a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him "MIDNIGHT." He didn't seem upset in the least. "Whew, I got away with that one!" she thought to herself.... Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'Oh crap!' Then it cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Thats funny

Teacher asks Johnny, if there are 3 birds in a tree and the farmer shoots 1 how many are left? Johnny replies, none when the farmer pulled the trigger it scared all 3 and they flew away. Teacher says that's not the answer I was looking for but I like your way of thinking. So Johnny says I have a question for you teach, 2 women are sitting on a park bench with ice cream cones; one is chomping at and biting the cone and the other is licking and slurping the cone, so which one is married? Teacher replies thats easy it'd be the one licking and slurping the cone. No Johnny says it'd be the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your way of thinking.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road with her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."

Christmas shopping


A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.

At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends to the next floor.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'!
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good > Looking.

“Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the > sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.....



Merry Christmas and have fun shopping ....Coug










--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

" ... wives that love sex and have money and like beer."

Hey, Coug. Where exactly in NY is that store?????

The "Do you have a beer and ride?? thread reminded me of this joke:

One day two men were sitting in a bar high up in a skyrise building near the top floor.
The first man says, I'll bet you $100 that the wind coming up the side of the building is strong enough to hold you up from falling.
The second man say's No way, that's impossible!, so they bet.
The first man walks over to the window, opens it up and steps out, starts to fall then suddenly is just floating infront of the window.
WOW, I can't believe it says the second man! Pays the first man the $100 and then try's it himself. The man fell to his death.
The first man walks back to the bar, sits down and the bartender turns to him and says, "Your a mean drunk Superman!"