Army boot camp wasn't bad, after growing up the way I did... At least the abuse wasn't personal.

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or all of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) , Complete Health And Mind Purging Anti Guilt Negating Enzyme (CHAMPAGNE) or the perfect cure for men Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately inform five friends of this medical alert. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

I'm currently working on one of the antidotes purchased at my local "Life Changing Beverage Outlet" (LCBO). [LCBO is the name of our provincial liquor outlet]

Cheers!

Is it serious? I think it's trying to catch me now.... I have a quick vacine in the drawer just in case there is a first aid need, it's my Volume Order Decontamination Kit Administrator (VODKA). Will that help?

Darn Oldie wrote:
Is it serious? I think it's trying to catch me now.... I have a quick vacine in the drawer just in case there is a first aid need, it's my Volume Order Decontamination Kit Administrator (VODKA). Will that help?

It will reduce the pain

Olef and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Olef, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Olef.

'Could I see him?'

Olef opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.? Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie..

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olef,? 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

One day, George gave his daughter, Alice, a ride to school on his Harley.

During one of the girl's lessons, the teacher decided that it would be fun for the kids to learn how to associate flavors by color... So, she gave all of the kids a pack of fruit flavored Life-Savers...

Then she asked the kids to name the colors and the flavors...

She went around the room and the kids said that the red ones were cherry, the green ones were lime, the yellow ones were lemon and so-on until they had named all of the flavors and colors...

Then, the teacher handed out HONEY flavored Life-Savers and began to ask the kids if they recognized what flavor this new Life-Saver was...

When none of the kids could come up with the right answer she said...

OK class, here's a hint... The name of this flavor is the same as the nick name your mothers sometimes calls your fathers...

After thinking about the hint for a few seconds...

Alice jumpes up and spit her Life-Saver clear across the room and yelled...

Holy Crap! She gave us a Butt-hole flavored candy!

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Motorsickle for sale.'"

Warning to all tequila drinkers...........

John was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"

Silence; there was no answer from his new pet..
This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again,

"How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?"

Again there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face
up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?!"


A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my damn shoes on!"

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father.... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?'