that's classic...:lol

A researcher went to a door and knocked. A woman answered, with three kids scampering around her feet. The man said, "Hi. I'm doing a survey for Vaseline. I wonder if you use our product in your home?"

The woman said, "Yeah. My husband I use it for sex."

The researcher was surprised. He said, "Most people say they use it for hinges, hose fittings, and household things. I find your honesty refreshing! Um... May I ask how you use it?"

The woman said, "Sure! We put it on the doorknobs. It keeps the kids from opening the door."

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a R* Rider are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the area. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Road Star, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,
smiles and says,

'Fill it with water!!'

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jeweler applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
CNN 5.0,
FOOTBALL 3.0 and
POLITICS 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate


DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performanc e. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck !

Tech Support


Stan

Look in your wallet: Ever wonder how many of those $1 bills were once stuck in some stripper's sweaty buttcrack?

No?
Well, now you do.


You're welcome.

Frank_W wrote:
Look in your wallet: Ever wonder how many of those $1 bills were once stuck in some stripper's sweaty buttcrack?

No?
Well, now you do.

You're welcome.


In the 70's Cocain use was so common that there was a 90% chance that every bill under a $20 had residue on it. Now days that would just improve the value of the bill

Frank_W wrote:


You're welcome.




Well I guess I have to say thank you. Thank you. (but I could have gone all week without thinking about that )

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're gonna die," she replied.

That's a classic I hadn't heard in a long time!

An old man and old woman in their late 70's go to the doctor for their checkup

The Doctor takes the old man into his office after running all the regular tests
Talking with the old man, he says "It looks like your in very good health for a man of your years"
The doctor then asks, "So, if I might ask, how is your sex life?"
The old man say "Great, the only problem is that the second time around, I sweat a lot!"
The doctor figures that for a man of his age, to be able to go twice, was outstanding and tells the old man "Don't worry about it, there's nothing wrong with that"

Doctor brings in the wife, and goes through her results, and same thing, she's in very good health, so he asks her "If I might ask, how is your sex life?"
Expecting to hear how happy she was, she reply's "It's horrible!"
The doctor is shocked, so he asks her "What's wrong, your husband said that it was Great, the only problem was that the second time around he sweats a lot"
She reply's "That's because the first time in in February, the second time is in August!"